3.26.2008

BEST WEEKEND EVER


The other day while watching Channel 35, we were just thinking to ourselves: There's not enough trannies in this city.

Imagine our sheer joy when we found out yesterday that there will be 1,200 she-males staying at Times Square's Marriott Marquis this weekend for an event held there.

That's a lot of dong, folks.

We wonder if there will be an A-Rod sighting....

DON'T WORRY RICK: WE GOT YOUR BACK

We take back all the good things we've ever said about Shaq. If you didn't see the story in The Boston Globe, Shazam had this to say about playing with the Suns:

"I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again."

OK, we agree Quinn's a little shit (has anyone noticed the similarity between him and D.J. Qualls?)

But Ricky Buckets? THIS Ricky Davis?! Shaq: That guy's been like a brother to you!

This is in direct violation of Realest Ordinance Code 225.27: Never disrespect Ricky Davis.

We don't care if he has the worst career record for an NBA player in history (someone should really look this up, Ricky D has to be close). You can't balloon to 500 pounds, milk your injury to get traded and then turn around and blast your teammates.

As Bill Walton would say: Shaq's arrogance in an insult to people that think. And possibly even those that don't think.

FAKEST OF THE WEEK

You know Al Pacino's motivational speech in Any Given Sunday? Well, last Friday George Mason coach Jim Larranaga gave one just like that - except the exact opposite:



The magic references? The whimpy paper crumple and toss? The only thing missing was the Howard Dean "Yahhhhh!!!!" at the end. Gee, we wonder why you guys ended up getting hammered by Notre Dame.

Seriously Jim, stop playing to the camera! We're normally behind any attempt at shameless self-promotion, but even we find this despicable.

3.25.2008

PETE GILLEN HATES HIS LIFE


You remember Pete Gillen, don't you? (He's the guy on the right.)

He was the next big thing in coaching after leading Providence to the 1997 Elite Eight with God Shammgod only to end up getting run out of Charlottesville after 8 very mediocre seasons at UVA. He got the axe in 2005 and is now working for "CBS College Sports." If you've seen him on TV, you know he's (uh, how to put this delicately?...) bad.

Well, this is how he starts his Sweet 16 preview in today's New York Post:

"WELL, even though Georgetown is gone, three of my Final Four teams are alive - which is unusual. I've had a bad decade - I got fired, no friends, no money, no clothes."

Woah, take it easy big guy! Self-deprecating humor is great when you're Conan O'Brien, but it's different when you're Pete Gillen. I mean, he's actually had a terrible decade and we really wonder if he has no friends, money or clothes...

Hang in there, coach!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

An honorary R.O.W., we finally found the clip of Darvin Ham twerking the backboard in the 1996 tournament. This was one of those March Madness moments you never forget like Princeton beating UCLA, Bryce Drew's shot and Adam Morrison crying like a bitch:



By the way, Kevin Love really needs to work on his post-shattering reaction.

3.22.2008

FOR YOUR WEEKEND VIEWING PLEASURE

Need a break from the CBS commercials (the Outback Steakhouse song has been playing in our heads all day)?

Check out the best scenes from the 2006 classic, The Wicker Man, and pick your favorite Nick Cage gem:

A) "Step away from the bike!" - then riding off in the bike
B) "How'd it get burned?!?!?! How'd it get burned?!?!?!"
C) Jacking an old lady in the face
D) Jacking another woman in the face wearing a bear costume
E) "Not the bees!!!! Not the bees!!!!!! Ah!!!!!"

We gotta go with D.

3.21.2008

REALESTSDAMUS STRIKE AGAIN

Northwestern State in 2006 and San Diego in 2008? That's 2 for 2 on Super Sleepers for those keeping score at home.

First, hats off to all the kids on San Diego for playing the game of their lives, especially "The Gynecologist" - Gyno Pomare.

I bet you're wondering how we do it... what, you mean aside from seeing the future?

Just a heads up to gambling types out there: We will be charging $5 million for our Super Sleeper pick next year.

In the meantime, we are both quitting our jobs to enter the Tarot Card business while we build a gambling empire like Biff in Back to the Future II.

SI COVER JINX: REVERSE THE CURSE?


And we thought mistaking Desmond Howard for Tim Brown was bad.

Via DC Sports Bog, one of Sports Illustrated's covers for their NCAA Tournament preview botched the spelling of Georgetown's DaJuan Summers (apparently they pronounce it Duh-Jay-uhn over at SI), which raises a perplexing question:

Is the SI cover jinx reversed if they can't even spell your name right?

Oh yeah, and they picked Oral Roberts to go to the Sweet 16. Oops.

3.20.2008

REPORT: TEAM BLUE AXES CINDY AND MINDY

The Terrelle Pryor fallout has begun.

A day after the top high school quarterback in the country signed with Ohio State, Team Blue supervisor Mary Passink has reportedly let go Cindy and Mindy, better known as "The Twins."

The two most recently gave Pryor a private tour of South Quad on his visit to Ann Arbor.

When contacted, AD Bill Martin insisted both had resigned.

But coach Rich Rodriguez directly contradicted that, stating: "We told everyone on Team Blue at our first meeting: If you can't get the job done, we'll find sluts that can."

The duo signed up for Team Blue as freshmen in 1994 and were best known for landing Heisman Trophy winner Charles Woodson. They also played a crucial role in the recruiting of Brian Griese, David Terrell, Larry Foote, Charles Drake, Chris Perry and Kelly Baraka.

The Twins, which turn 32 in May, reportedly fell out of favor in the athletic department after new strength and conditioning coach Mike Barvis called the two fat. The two were devastated upon hearing the news of their dismissal.

"I've got five kids myself and Mindy has three more," Cindy said. "We can't take care of them on our Deja Vu checks alone. I already had to send little Ray-Ray to live with his dad, Larry Foote. Bless that man for taking in another child."

Said Mindy: "I haven't received child support for John Navarre Jr. in three years. What am I supposed to do now? If anyone has a way of contacting Johnny Cakes, please tell him his bastard child needs money."

3.19.2008

ASHLEY DUPRE IS A HO... FO SHO


Just when we're about to give up reading the New York Post for the Daily Snooze, the Post drops this on us.

In short: "Girls Gone Wild" dirt bag Joe Francis offers Eliot Spitzer's prostitute Ashley Dupre $1 million to pose nude for his new mag, realizes he already has her on tape being a Spring Break slut four years ago and then slams her with this quote:

"I personally remember Ashley. She was really at her peak back then. I'm glad I got to her before Spitzer - she looked a lot better at 18."

We're nominating this story for a Pulitzer.

3.18.2008

REALESTS' NCAA SUPER SLEEPER: SAN DIEGO

Let us first remind you that our other Super Sleeper was the 2006 Northwestern State squad that eventually cost Steve Alford his job.

So yeah... we're kind of a big deal.

While analysts are busy calling teams like Pitt and Clemson their "sleeper," we're actually letting our nuts hang out with this one and limiting our pick to a 13-seed or worse.

We realize picking against Hasheem Thabeet with a team whose tallest starter is a 6-8 dude named "Gyno" could make us look like this. But hear us out:

1. UConn is in typical March form - completely apathetic and biding their time for the NBA Draft. The 2005 squad led by Charlie Villanueva lost to a far-inferior N.C. State team and the loaded 2006 bunch had to come from behind to beat No. 16 Albany in the first round. Five Huskies went in the first 40 picks of the '06 draft.

2. The Toreros killed themselves in nonconference play. Take a look at this slate:

Nov. 17: L, UNLV (66-55)
Nov. 22: L, @ USC (60-50)
Nov. 23: L, @ South Alabama (77-55)
Nov. 28: L, @ Boise St. (77-71)
Dec. 08: L, @ New Mexico (57-47)
Dec. 12: L, @ Nevada (76-62)
Dec. 29: W, @ Kentucky (81-72)

Yeah, they lost most of them, but so did Northwestern State. The point is these kids have onions.

3. This team's got "it" - whatever "it" is. They just can't lose right now. After starting 8-11, they've won 13 of 15, including wins over Saint Mary's and Gonzaga in back-to-back nights in the WCC Tourney. They were even down 17 at one point to the Gaels.

Are we picking them in our bracket? Hell no. But we'll be sure to tell you "we told you so" on Friday...

3.17.2008

DEFINE "FUN FACT" FOR ME.....

The Daily News just keeps 'em coming. In yesterday's issue, they broke down all 65 NCAA Tourney teams and had a fun fact accompany each one. Some were more fun than others.

Take this well-known tidbit for San Diego:

FUN FACT: Power forward Rob Jones, a 6-5, 230-pound freshman, turned down football offers from such traditional powers as Notre Dame, Miami and Oregon to pursue a basketball career. He is the grandson of Jim Jones, the leader of the Jonestown jungle compound where more than 900 people were killed in 1978 in a mass murder/suicide.

That has to be the first time "Jonestown" and "fun" have ever been linked together. Maybe it's us, but we think "Morbid Fact" would have worked better there.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

A real flip for the ages from newly appointed New York Governor David Paterson.

Taking over for Eliot Spitzer, can't you picture everyone in the Democratic party handing out high-fives? "Black and blind?! That's gold, Jerry!"

Oh wait... he's a dirt bag too.

Right after being sworn in today, he and his wife admitted to the New York Daily News they've both had affairs.

(Update: Congrats to his wife, who just received the Carlos Boozer Award for the worst treatment of a handicapped person).

Ten bucks says a tranny comes forward in the next two days claiming to have had a 3-way with Paterson and a donkey in Tijuana. This should be fun.

3.16.2008

HEY BUTLER, YOU SUCKAZ GOT SERVED!


We pardon the NCAA Tournament Special to express outrage over Butler's No. 7 seed which Clark Kellogg and Seth Davis took ZERO issue with. This despite the fact the Bulldogs are seeded behind an Oklahoma squad that finished the regular season 6-5 and just got bludgeoned in the Big 12 Tournament.

So you're telling me Butler isn't one of the top 24 teams in the country?

We say: Erroneous!!!! Erroneous on both counts!!!!

It'd be one thing if Butler had proven unworthy of a high seed in recent years (i.e. Gonzaga), but these are the same Bulldogs that went to the Sweet 16 last year and probably gave Florida its best game. Have fun with Tennessee in the second round...

WELCOME TO YOUR FUTURE

Well, if you've been up in the air about who to vote for, this should seal the deal.

Obama in '08!!!



(Via Straight Bangin')

3.14.2008

DMX WILL NOT BE AMERICA'S NEXT VP

Things DMX knows about: barking, dogs, growling, gospel songs at the end of CDs, making an album cover where he's covered in blood, pretending to be a federal agent, barking.

Things DMX doesnt know about: politics.

This is unbelievable. The guy is out of his mind. I guess you have to mentally unbalanced to make a masterpiece like "It's Dark and Hell is Hot." But damn. He's lost it.

Via NahRight, via XXL:

Are you following the presidential race?

Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.

His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that n****’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The n****’s name is Barack. Barack? N**** named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this n**** when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Is that why you’re not following it?
No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.

But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge.
I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”

Right, exactly.
It’s all a fuckin’ setup. It’s all a setup. All fuckin’ bullshit. All bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about none of that.

We could have a female president also, Hillary Clinton.
I mean, either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one person is directly affected by which president, you know, so what does it matter.

Yeah, but the country is.
I guess. The president is a puppet anyway. The president don’t make no damn decisions.

The president…they don’t have that much authority basically?
Nah, never.

But Bush pretty much…
You think Bush is making fuckin’ decisions?

He did, yeah, he fucked up the country.
He act like he making decisions. He could barely speak! He could barely fuckin’ speak!
Can’t be serious. He ain’t making no damn decisions.

Well Barack has a good chance of winning so that might be something.
Good for him, good for him.

3.13.2008

WATCHING 'M' CAGERS LIKE EATING POOP


That picture pretty much sums up Michigan's performance against Wisconsin today.

Did anyone else throw-up in their mouth watching the Wolverines chunk brick after brick? I mean even Tommy Amaker's Point-a-Minute Teams didn't pull off 34 in an entire game.

We're still in the honeymoon period with Beilein so we'll trash Tommy and say it's all his fault for recruiting players that can't shoot.

But as our final note for the 2006-07 Michigan basketball season, check out this key stat:

Michigan's field-goal PCT of 40.0% entering today (they shot half that vs. Wisco) was tied for 319th in the country out of 341 with Monmouth (7-24) and Ball State (6-24).

Wowsers in our trowsers. Let's just hope things turn around next year before little kids start bringing these signs back to games.

MORE FILTH FROM BRUCE BOWEN

Looks like it's time to update Bruce Bowen's Dirtiest Hits. We'd have to put this at #2 behind kicking Wally World in the face. And you'll be happy to know the foul was called on Chris Paul.

Our suggestion: The Hornets sign Kimbo Slice to a 10-day contract before the next game and have him jack Bowen in the face during tip-off. Any objections?

Note: We know the video quality is bad. Wait for the replay. How this isn't an automatic ejection is beyond us.

Note #2: Apparently, Paul got was coming to him after punching Bowen in the nuts. We still hate the Spurs and Bowen.

MASCOT VIOLENCE ESCALATING OUT OF HAND

This doesn't bode well for Oral Roberts in the NCAA Tourney. That Eagle got WORKED CT-style:



These will never get old. This still pales in comparison to the St.Joe's-Villanova mascot fight where the Hawk keeps flapping his wings while getting ejected. Someone get that up on YouTube already!

3.12.2008

FAREWELL TO THE BIG HOUSE*

We're beyond late on this, but dropping behind Penn State in stadium attendance - at least temporarily - has us perturbed.

It was a given that in a couple years some psycho school like Tennessee was going to up the ante and add 30,000 seats. We just would have laughed and said, "Oh, well."

But what really bothers us about the University stonewalling the MPVA to make the stadium more wheelchair accessible is that this is classic Bill Martin. He could have dealt with this a year ago, made the MVPA happy and kept Michigan Stadium the largest. But he obviously just thought this would go away.

He's a straight-shooter, cares about UM more than anyone will know and has done a remarkable job with the department's finances. But man that guy is stubborn. This is the same guy that forces every single coach to resign or retire (or if you're Jim Boccher, just disappear into thin air!) because he doesn't want to take the publicity hit of a dismissal.

Getting your ticket validated at the Big House? He claimed he wouldn't finance the lives of students selling their tickets, yet if you pay an extra 20 bucks to the department, then it's fine? What Martin meant to say is that it just pissed him off watching students scalp their tickets.

And we guarantee he will take his beef with the student section at Yost to the grave (granted, he's probably right on that one).

Which brings us to the current issue. We can just picture Martin at his desk when he first received the MPVA's complaint, furrowing his brow and throwing it in the trash immediately. Politically correct? Screw that.

As detailed in the Daily, he's tried every trick in the book to block this before finally caving. Claiming these were "repairs"? Proposing 14 wheelchair-accessible seats? Pathetic, Bill. Really.

Again, this is hardly a catastrophe. But when the PA announcer no longer comes on in the third quarter and says "Congratulations on being part of the biggest crowd to watch a football game today anywhere in the country" (correct us if we're off with this, we're a little rusty), Martin has only himself to blame.

Now, to pay our respects:

3.11.2008

PAT RILEY: KISS THE RING, BITCH

Kudos to Pat Riley for absolutely tanking it this year.

Finally someone has just officially said "fuck it, I'm playing for ping-pong balls" and why not?

Forget last year's Celtics, this might be the worst tank job since Major League. We can actually picture Pat watching it on DVD right now and saying to himself, "A serious of fines for good play? A motor boat engine in the whirlpool? Genius!!!"

Although we're not exactly sure how much more insight he gets into his lottery pick by watching Eric Gordon play Penn State. Seriously Riles, draft in this order: Beasley, Lopez, Rose. Easy enough?

As for Wade, I'm slightly perturbed since he's on my fantasy team. But being outraged at the thought of missing the rest of the season right before shelving it also speaks highly of him.

And still the Heat almost won last night, dropping a 99-98 heartbreaker to the Clip Show.

What more can Riley do? We're glad you asked:

- Give Ricky Davis a 250k bonus for triple doubles - on either hoop
- Turn out lights at their end of American Airlines Arena to conserve energy
- Cut Shawn Marion for Brent Petway, citing their similar Hollinger ratings
- Insist Mark Blount gets 20 touches a game or else...
- Replace the entire squad with the AND1 Street Team

Wait, scratch the last one. It might actually help.

3.10.2008

TERRELLE PRYOR TO... MEMPHIS?!?!?!

We don't want to sound like Terrelle Pryor psychos, but if he ends up at Memphis, John Calipari should be put behind bars. 

Yesterday The Freep reported T.P. visited the other UM this weekend, where he most definitely took in Saturday's demolition of UAB. 

Yeah, we know Pryor wants to be a two-sport star, but Memphis? The No. 1 recruit in the country going to a 7-6 program from C-USA would be the most absurd "get" in the history of recruiting, annihilating The Fab Five, Western U's Neon Bordeaux-Butch McRae-Ricky Roe scandal, Tommy Amaker's "top 25 class" at Harvard and Arrelious Benn going to Illinois.

If Calipari read Pryor's Michigan itinerary, who knows what he had planned: Probably something involving a nine-iron, a buffalo head (preferably stuffed) and a bucket of ice.

As for Tommy West, he was probably just shitting his pants the whole time.

Hey NCAA: At what point do you start looking into a program for cheating? At UMass, Calipari piled up NCAA sanctions left and right, and was even accused of knowing Marcus Camby banged a prostitute.

Now at Memphis, the guy has befriended Worldwide Wes and recruited the likes of Amare Stoudemire, Kendrick Perkins, Dajuan Wagner, Chris Douglas-Roberts, Darius Washington and most recently Derrick Rose.

But instead of hearing how this guy is dirtier than Tark the Shark, we get pieces praising him as a genius for instilling the Dribble Drive Motion Offense

Uh, put down that stupid book and do something Myles!

3.07.2008

BEST. SITE. EVER.

Once again we're stuck asking ourselves, Why didn't we think of this shit?

Thanks to Little Bird, we've found the Holy Grail of blogs - hotchickswithdouchebags.com. It's so simple. Our two favorite things: babes and frat dudes making fools of themselves. Although to be honest, a lot of the girls are just hoes.

Below is a picture of our favorite D-Bag, coined Johnny Blaze:


Meanwhile we keep running a blog about nothing - like Seinfeld, but much, much less funny.

IDIOTS!!!!!

Well, the least we can do is try and get on the site. If someone would be kind enough to Photoshop a babe to the left of me and send it in, we'd be much obliged:

3.05.2008

FAKEST OF THE WEEK


For shame Kyle Korver, for shame....

CHANNING FRYE: FRAT STAR?

Thanks to the anonymous reader that gave us this heads up on Channing Frye's latest blog entry:

On the subject of my brother, I have mixed emotions because here I thought that he would see that the University of Arizona is the greatest college in the history of colleges and go there — that he would continue the legacy.

But this lone wolf has to be different and he took his fat head to Michigan – the cold, terrible, frozen tundra of Michcigan. On the other hand, he is a nerd to a brainiac so I guess it’s sort of a good school for that. Not the best school ever like UofA, but maybe it comes in a close 45th because UofA takes up the top 44 places as the best school ever.

We've always hated Channing Frye. We chanted "Frye's a douche bag" in an NIT game against Michigan a couple years back for him being soft and gutless.

But between not spelling Michigan correctly and establishing Arizona's dominance by ranking them 1-44 in college rankings, it leaves us to wonder: is he a frat dick - the lowest known form of intelligence below even dumb jocks?

Does he:

- Wear shirts that say "Sigma Chi Construction: Screw, Nut, Bolt"?
- Degrade other guys sexually and then call them the homo?
- Talk about how many hos he has in different area codes?
- Wear crooked visors with his gelled pubes bursting out the sides?
- Work the door at Blazer parties and ask Greg Oden if he's on the list?

You know what, we're starting to like this guy...

3.04.2008

BIRD'S THE WORD!


It's official: Chris Andersen is back in the NBA! As you know from our recent tribute, he's our second favorite player behind only Ricky "Oh Shit!" Davis.

This immediately puts the Hornets as the front-runner for the NBA title, as Birdman is twice the player Pau Gasol could ever hope to be.

Chris: Just leave the crack pipe at home.

3.03.2008

REALEST OF THE WEEK


OK, you've already read the story.

Let's start off with the fall from grace for this guy. After reaching the Sweet 16 in 2000, T.A. was on top of the world. Not only that. Everyone on the team came back, including Samuel Dalembert. And he also got the best recruit in the entire nation - Eddie Griffin. People were talking national championship in the Dirty Jerz.

Instead, Griffin jacked Ty Shine in the face during a game and the whole thing imploded. They didn't even make the Tourney.

Undeterred, Bill Martin hired him anyway. Of course, you know about his failures at UM.

Fast forward to his hiring at Hah-vuhd. Even we didn't think it could get any lower for Amaker. Taking an Ivy League job for a school that hadn't reached the postseason in over 60 years, which Coach K himself tried to talk you out of!

As we noted, Harvard was pummeled in their first game and despite beating Michigan, had an awful season even for Ivy League standards.

It's almost sad too. Amaker is a great guy. But this is what happens when you get to the end of your pathetic rope: Throw out the 5 Virtues ("Be Honest" - you hypocrite Amaker!!!!) and sell your soul to win, er, keep losing in this case.

I mean Sampson will get a new job next year no more than 3 weeks after the tournament. But who wants a guy that cheats and sucks at coaching? Our guess is he hides in the Duke athletic office for the next couple years or, even worse, goes Quin Snyder on us and hit the NBDL.

Seeing as all his former players ended up there, he could be a hot commodity....